Nothing that Five Inch Heels Can’t Fix

It’s been a rough week for me. Things got sort of topsy turvy and I have had some internal battles that I haven’t had to wrestle with in quite some time.  I have to blog about it so that I can get it out in some form.  I don’t journal about it, because in my own private journal – that no one reads – I have learned that I can turn the smallest molehill into the biggest molehill.  When I allow the “unihibited” writing that is the purpose of a journal in a time like this, I find that I just get more upset. 

So, this morning when I woke up… I still had the feeling of being internally “off-balance”.  Then I got frustrated with myself for still feeling that way.  My solution?  Put on a dress and a pair of 5-inch heels and head to the office.  Because for those of you have never tried it, walking in 5-inch heels takes a little extra balance and concentration.  Why does that matter?  Because if I have to focus all day on my external balance and not falling over in my 5-inch heels… I don’t have any time to focus on my internal imbalances. 

I walked into the office and received lots of compliments on my dress and my heels… along with some wisecracks about the fact that I am now approximately 6’7″  (I am 6’2″ barefoot) which is intimidating to almost everyone who passes me.  Especially in an office that is 70% male.  You know how men can be… they have to be “bigger.” 

So, in my effort to push away my internal struggles, I have found a nice distraction for the day.  My feet may be killing me later (I have a pair of flip flops stashed in my gym bag) and my internal struggles may come back at the end of the day… but for right now…  I am going to go practice my balance a little more as I make my rounds through the office.

Screw You… Whoever YOU Are.

Just last week I posted a follow-up to my “Changing Tides” blog post.  I followed up to say that I had found my resolve and that life was better… that I was happy… then in the same post, I also said that I was leary of saying such things because inevitably something would happen to cause that to fall apart. 

Well… it sort of did.  I went home to Louisiana, leaving behind a friend of mine who was dealing with her own depression… so I left the state already feeling like I was abandoning someone who needed me.  Only to arrive at home for what was supposed to be a very quick and fun two day trip and ended up having to deal with seeing my sister fall to emotional pieces… one of the scariest and most helpless feelings I have ever experienced.  It will be a long time before I can look at her or remember this trip without reliving every moment of that experience. 

And so I return home, with a thin crack in my armor… this little window of emotional instability…. and suddenly every time I turn around the universe is in my face – hitting me with everything you can imagine.  Reminding me of shit I don’t want to be reminded of.  It’s like it is determined to worm its way under my skin and attack me from the inside out.

So this morning I am writing to say SCREW YOU.  Whoever YOU are.  I don’t want you in my life, you are not welcome in my soul, you are not going to bring me down.  So whatever you think you are doing… whatever damage you plan to inflict… hear me now.  SCREW YOU.  I have resolved to be happy… and I  will be damned if you take this little vulnerability the past week has brought me and exploit it.  SCREW YOU.

I found it… and it’s working

I know it has been awhile since I have posted here… I have actually started writing more on one of my other blogs for close family and friends.  I know… GASP…. how dare I?!?!  I can’t invite my family and some friends here because… well… this is where I vent about those people!   And I can’t invite all of you there… because well… I have no idea who you all are!  Given the personal details of my day to day life shared there…  it’s probably wise to not open it up to the entire world…. Not that any of my faithful followers would be serial killers…. right?

Anyhow, I will come up with a good ramble sometime soon… in the meantime, I have been looking through some of my old posts and I stumbled on to The Changing Tides.  In that post, I talked a lot about finding a resolve to do a lot of things.  Jump forward several months and I wanted to let you know that I did indeed find it and it’s working.  In all aspects of my life… it is working.  I found the resolve to put MYSELF first and let the world find its own balance around me.  And low and behold – it DID! 

So despite how contrary this is to what we like to hear… I am pretty dang happy overall.  There are still the days that get me down… but the days are fewer and further apart… and a lot of times, the days are more like hours or maybe even minutes.  Just admitting that to the world takes a bit of courage, because typically in my life, as soon as I say it out loud… the bottom falls out.  But this time, I am hoping that the universe will return to me all of the positive energy and love I have put out to it lately.

So – what’s stopping you?  Take a look around and see if you can find that RESOLVE to!!

Movie Night Anyone?

Last night, as I watched what seemed to be six hours of Oscars, I realized that once again I had not seen most of the movies they were discussing.  So I came up with this great idea (probably not original – sure someone else has done it) to make a goal to watch all of the movies that were nominated for an Oscar in 2012.  I didn’t want to just watch the winners because then I can’t argue for who I thought SHOULD have won.  Frankly, the fact that The Artist won best picture just sort of ticked me off.  I haven’t seen it, and I will watch it with an open mind, but still – the fact that a silent movie won Best Picture seems like a crock.  My thought is that it is a “novelty” film and so because of that novelty, it won.  But I am going to watch it – and if I was wrong, I will admit it.

So – here is the list (Courtesty of Entertainment Weekly).  I am going to tackle one category at a time.  And keep in mind that since I work full time and attend lawschool four nights a week, this is going to be a slow going goal.  But I have a mission… and who knows, maybe I will find some hidden gems!  There are a few I have already seen so I have marked those accordingly.  Anyone want to join the journey with me?

Best Picture
WINNER: The Artist — Thomas Langmann
The Descendants
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
The Help – Seen it!
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
Moneyball – Seen it!
The Tree of Life
War Horse

Best Directing
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
WINNER: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Martin Scorsese, Hugo

Best Actor
Demián Bichir, A Better Life
George Clooney, The Descendants
WINNER: Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Brad Pitt, Moneyball – Seen it!

Best Actress
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help – Seen it!
Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – Seen it!
WINNER: Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn

Best Supporting Actor
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Jonah Hill, Moneyball – Seen it!
Nick Nolte, Warrior
WINNER: Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Best Supporting Actress
Bérénice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help – Seen it!
Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids – Seen it!
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
WINNER: Octavia Spencer, The Help – Seen it!

Best Adapted Screenplay
WINNER: The Descendants — Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, and Jim Rash
Hugo
The Ides of March – Seen it!
Moneyball – Seen it!
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Best Original Screenplay
The Artist
Bridesmaids – Seen it!
Margin Call
WINNER: Midnight in Paris — Woody Allen
A Separation

Best Animated Feature
A Cat in Paris
Chico & Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Puss in Boots – Seen it!
WINNER: Rango — Gore Verbinski – Seen it!

Best Documentary Feature
Hell and Back Again
If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front
Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
Pina
WINNER: Undefeated — Daniel Lindsay, T.J. Martin, and Rich Middlemas

Best Foreign Language Film
Bullhead (Belgium)
Footnote (Israel)
In Darkness (Poland)
Monsieur Lazhar (Canada)
WINNER: A Separation (Iran) — Asghar Farhadi

Best Cinematography
The Artist
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – Seen it!
WINNER: Hugo — Robert Richardson
The Tree of Life
War Horse

Best Film Editing
The Artist
The Descendants
WINNER: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo — Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter – Seen it!
Hugo
Moneyball – Seen it!

Best Art Direction
The Artist
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – Seen it!
WINNER: Hugo — Dante Ferretti and Francesca Lo Schiavo
Midnight in Paris
War Horse

Best Costume Design
Anonymous
WINNER: The Artist — Mark Bridges
Hugo
Jane Eyre
W.E.

Best Makeup
Albert Nobbs
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – Seen it!
WINNER: The Iron Lady — Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland

Best Original Score
The Adventures of Tintin
WINNER: The Artist — Ludovic Bource
Hugo
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
War Horse

Best Original Song
WINNER: “Man or Muppet,” The Muppets — Bret McKenzie
“Real in Rio,” Rio

Best Sound Mixing
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – Seen it!
WINNER: Hugo — Tom Fleischman and John Midgley
Moneyball – Seen it!
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse

Best Sound Editing
Drive
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – Seen it!
WINNER: Hugo — Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse

Best Visual Effects
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – Seen it!
WINNER: Hugo — Robert Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossmann, Alex Henning
Real Steel
Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Seen it!
Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Best Animated Short Film
Dimanche/Sunday
WINNER: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore — William Joyce and Brandon Oldenburg
La Luna
A Morning Stroll
Wild Life

Best Documentary Short Subject
The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement
God Is the Bigger Elvis
Incident in New Baghdad
WINNER: Saving Face — Daniel Junge and Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy
The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom

Best Live-Action Short Film
Pentecost
Raju
WINNER: The Shore — Terry George and Oorlagh George
Time Freak
Tuba Atlantic

Hey! Look At Me!

At my office, we use the phrase “bright shiny objects” when we talk about ways we get people to look away from something we are trying to conceal or when we are trying to slip something over on people.  For example, on our sales floor, we will inevitably have a better sales day if we spontaneously place balloons or other sparkly things around the sales floor.  It’s as if the employees are so focused on all the bright shiny objects that they don’t pay attention to the fact that they are selling more than usual.  It’s a strange (but proven) phenomenon. 

I too am distracted by bright shiny objects.  I should be reading for school – but look!  There is a cool blog I just found and I have to read through all three years of previous posts.  I should be crunching numbers at the office – but look!  They are towing a car outside my office window.  I should be going to the gym – but look!  There is a couch  there that looks so much more comfortable. 

All in all, I have decided that I would probably get more done if I put earplugs in and walked around blindfolded.  But look!  It’s so quiet and dark, I will probably just take a nap.

It Can Be a Little Deceiving

It seems in life, we are all hiding from something.  We all have some piece of ourselves that we don’t want to share with others.  We hide for different reasons.  Some for self-protection, some for embarrassment, some for manipulation, and I suspect, some for reasons I can’t even think of.

Deception – lies – by commission or omission are one and the same.  We hurt people with lies a lot of the time.  We hurt ourselves with lies more often than not.  Sometimes, we don’t realize it – the hurt we are causing ourselves with our deceptions.  Sometimes, we do realize it and we simply ignore it.  We allow ourselves to fall into the trap of explaining our actions, validating them, reassuring ourselves that there is a greater purpose.

Let me tell you, deception will always, always come back to you.  You can hide behind your cloak and pretend you are invisible, but karma is not on your side.  The day will come, when you are standing alone, having pushed everyone away with your secrets and your deception, and you fall… you will collapse in on yourself… and you will scream to the heavens for forgiveness… but your deception, you will find, has you so alone… it is as if you are screaming in a forest – where no one can hear.

The Changing Tides

I don’t know if it is the new year or the reality that I am less than a week away from being another year older or the fact that I am on the down slope of my law school career… whatever it is, the tides are definitely changing.  I seem to have found new resolve in recent weeks.  A resolve to invest more time than before on my school work because I am really starting to see a path for myself as an attorney.  A resolve to change my eating habits and stick to a more ritualistic workout schedule because I want to feel the healthy me I used to be.  A resolve to not let the worries of my day-to-day work weigh me down and stress me out because I can see clearly now that this is not where I will be in a couple of years.  A resolve to indulge in less “bad habits” such as drinking and smoking cigarettes because I need to gain some control over those addictive behaviors.  A resolve to not stress over the behaviors of others because no matter how much I try, people are going to do things the way they want to do it  whether it is detrimental to them or not.  A resolve to not live in the past controlled by horrible memories because there is nothing  I can do to change it and in a lot of ways, it has created who I am today.  A resolve to love just as I always have, even when those around me just push love away because I don’t want to change the good that I have of inside of me to mirror the damaged inside of someone else.  A resolve to forgive both myself and others for the indiscretions of the past because holding on to that anger and bitterness is so damaging to me.  A resolve to understand that some people will never forgive themselves, me or others and accept that about them because every person has to live their life in the way that works for them.

The tides are definitely changing and I am definitely finding my resolve.

Taking the Leap

I am in the middle of reading a book (a few books actually) and every now and then I come across a line of text that so perfectly fits me that I just have to share.  Yesterday, it was Dean Koontz’s What the Night Knows that stopped me for a second.  This book is one of Dean’s spooky story lines that sort of makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck as you read it.  I have been reading it on breaks at work which makes it a slow read for me but enjoyable none the less. 

Anyhow, the story is about a man who saw his family murdered when he was 14 and actually killed the murderer himself before the criminal was able to kill him.  In a dialogue with himself as an adult, the man tries to relate what that sort of incident does to a child… and Dean wrote it eloquently:

“He had not evolved gradually from boy into man, the way other men experienced their passage out of adolescence; instead, in crisis, the man had leaped from the boy.”
Koontz, Dean (2010-12-28). What the Night Knows: A Novel (p. 88). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

You have to understand that I read books like this at the speed of light.  I whirl through pages with only seconds passing by.  So for a line such as this to just stop me, make me re-read it, make me highlight it and bookmark the page… it hit me.  I know I am not alone out there in relating to this line.  I personally know more than a handful of people who completely understand it.  The events in your life that can cause you to grow up without a chance to even consider an alternative, the circumstances that no longer allow you to be a child, the pure evil that can show itself in your world forcing that man or woman to LEAP from the child and get to work protecting not only themselves but also those around them. 

I don’t really have any profound wisdom to add to this post.  I don’t even desire to reflect into my own personal life and why this hit me.  Mostly, I wanted to share the sentence with my readers so that those who relate can enjoy the pure honest way the Mr. Koontz expressed this sentiment.

A Little Holiday Ramble

Well, here it is!  Another Christmas!  It’s 2:30 pm on Christmas Day.  I am starting the glaze for the ham, the kiddo is enjoying his new Christmas presents, I am going to make another attempt at lighting a “real” fire (i.e., using real wood… remember that I am a Cajun girl from South Louisiana who never really had a reason to light a fire).  Since I left the bounds of the standard “nuclear family” six years ago, and since most of my relatives are still back in my native state, its a quiet Christmas here.  We had to do the splitting of the morning  to cover the kiddos and the exes and we will rejoin as mixed group this evening to continue the holiday spirit. 

The Christmas tree looks bare with no gifts left under it and already you feel the fleeting holiday spirit floating away.  My son currently has Coldplay blaring from his computer – not quite the holiday music (but at least I like Coldplay).  For all the stress the holiday season brings, there is always a little part of me that is sad to see it go.  Because we all know that after the new year, its all routine and normal and unless you are a school teacher or a child, you don’t even have summer vacation to really look forward to. 

So cheers, people! Merry Christmas!  Enjoy the last hours of the day, hug a loved one, sing a Christmas carol, eat fattening food, and have a holiday cocktail.  This is what it’s all about, after alll!

2011 in 12 Sentences

January: I got another year older and hardly anyone noticed.

February: I ignored a lot of commercials and stumbled my way through the awkward Valentine's holiday.

March: I am almost positive this month passed with nothing of major importance happening – something I can be grateful for.

April: I shacked up with a man, took the leap, made the jump, inched closer to "real" committment.

May: I didn't kill the man I shacked up with – and I finished finals.

June: I read at least ten books and relished the fact that I was not in school.

July: I began melting as temperatures inched over 100 degrees on a daily basis.

August: I became a full on hermit as we hit 40+ days of 100+ weather; reading at least ten more books and grudgingly dragging my butt back to law school.

September: I accepted the fact that my son was in middle school and has practically ZERO interest in talking to me.

October: Fall weather brings fall stress – in all aspects of my life – and I managed to end up in a hospital in surgery.

November: Tried to remember what I was thankful for and I was allowed in the kitchen for Thanksgiving cooking for the first time in four years.

December: Finished another semester of school and scrambled frantically to find that holiday spirit that I packed away a couple of years ago – I think I was partially successful.

Happy 2011 folks. Here's to 2012.